117 questions to ask your girlfriend, sorted by how deep you want to go

Most lists of questions to ask your girlfriend are a hundred prompts in one pile, with "what's your favorite color" sitting next to "what's your biggest regret" as if they were the same kind of question. A question asked at the wrong depth either bores her or puts her on the spot, and both end the conversation faster than silence would.

So the 117 below are sorted the way conversations work in practice, by depth. The first level is light: cute and funny questions that cost nothing to answer and remind you both that you like talking to each other. The second is curious, for learning who she was before you met and what she thinks about when you're not around. The third is personal, where the romantic questions and the questions about the two of you live. The fourth is deep, and it should be visited on purpose, with time and attention to spare.

This mirrors how conversational depth works in relationships more generally. Couples build trust by moving between levels, and skipping straight to the bottom tends to produce a guarded answer rather than an honest one. One rule matters more than any single question: answer whatever you ask. If you want her to tell you something real, you go first, or right after.

Level one: cute questions to ask your girlfriend

These are for texting, for the walk home, or for the five minutes before one of you falls asleep. They ask her to notice small things about the two of you, which tends to make both of you feel noticed in return.

• What's the first thing you noticed about me that you didn't mention at the time?
• Which of my texts have you screenshotted?
• What song have you quietly decided is ours?
• What do I do when I'm sleepy that you find adorable?
• What's your favorite photo of the two of us, and why that one?
• If you could keep one ordinary day of ours on repeat, which would it be?
• What tiny habit of mine would you miss if I stopped?
• What did you think of my laugh the first time you heard it?
• What's the nicest thing a stranger has said about us?
• Which of my hoodies or shirts have you claimed as yours?
• What's something I do that makes you feel looked after?
• What food will you always associate with me?
• What do you call me in your head that you've never said out loud?
• Where's your favorite place to sit next to me?
• If you gave me a nickname based on one moment, which moment would it be?
• What small thing from me have you kept, like a note or a ticket stub?
• What's your favorite way we spend a lazy Sunday?
• What's the best surprise I've given you, even a tiny one?
• When did you first feel completely comfortable around me?
• What do I do on a bad day that makes it a little better?

Funny questions to ask your girlfriend

Still level one, but louder. Laughing together is one of the cheapest ways to feel close, and funny questions also show you how she thinks when nothing is at stake, including which ridiculous opinions she'll defend to the end. For more in this register, funny questions to ask your partner has a longer list.

• What's the most embarrassing thing you've done to impress me that I never found out about?
• If our relationship were a TV show, what would last month's episode be called?
• Which of my opinions do you think is the most unhinged?
• If I were a kitchen appliance, which one would I be?
• What's the dumbest argument we've ever had, and who was wrong?
• Who would play me in a movie about us, and would it be a comedy or a disaster film?
• What's the weirdest thing you've searched for this week?
• If we swapped phones for a day, what would you be most worried about me finding?
• What would your friends say is my most annoying catchphrase?
• What food combination do you love but would never order in front of people?
• Which reality competition would we win together, and which one would break us up?
• What conspiracy theory would you secretly like to be true?
• What's the most dramatic you've ever been about a minor inconvenience?
• What would your villain origin story be?
• What's the worst haircut you've ever had, and does photographic evidence exist?
• What skill do you claim to have that you've never once demonstrated?
• What would you name a boat if we bought one we couldn't afford?
• If I went on a dating show, what would my intro clip say about me?
• What's the most ridiculous thing that has ever made you cry?
• If I went viral by accident, what do you think it would be for?

Level two: questions to ask your girlfriend to get to know her better

Curious questions are about her life outside the relationship: her childhood, her friendships, the opinions she holds and the things she's quietly good at. Even years in, most people have whole rooms of their history their partner has never been shown, mostly because nobody asked. If you want to test what you already know rather than learn something new, how well do you know me questions turns this into a game.

• What subject were you obsessed with as a kid that still pulls at you?
• What did your bedroom look like when you were fifteen?
• Who in your family are you most like, and are you happy about it?
• What's something you taught yourself?
• What job would you take tomorrow if money didn't matter?
• What book or film changed how you saw something?
• Which of your friendships has lasted longest, and why that one?
• What do you do when you need to recharge, and how long does it take?
• What opinion do you hold that most of your friends don't share?
• What place have you lived in or visited that changed you a little?
• What are you quietly good at that people rarely notice?
• What did you care about a lot a few years ago that you've stopped caring about?
• What family tradition do you want to keep, and which one would you happily drop?
• What's the best advice anyone has given you, and did you take it?
• How do you decide whether to trust your gut or think something through?
• What do you want your life to look like at seventy?
• What are you learning right now, for work or just for yourself?
• Besides me, who do you call first with good news?
• What part of your day do you protect most?
• What's a question you wish people asked you more often?

Level three: romantic questions to ask your girlfriend

Romantic questions ask her to look at the relationship itself and say something warm about it. They work best when they're specific to your history, because a generic "what's your idea of romance" invites a generic answer. Ask these somewhere quiet, without a screen on in the background.

• When did you first think this might last?
• What's the most romantic thing anyone has ever done for you, me included?
• What moment with me do you want to remember when you're old?
• What does a perfect evening with me look like, start to finish?
• Is there a place you've always wanted to be kissed, like a particular city or a rooftop?
• What have I said that you've replayed in your head afterwards?
• Do you prefer big romantic gestures or small daily ones, and has that changed since we met?
• What love song describes how you feel about us better than you could?
• If I wrote you a letter, what would you hope it said?
• What date have you imagined us going on that we haven't been on yet?
• When do you feel most beautiful around me?
• What's a way I show love that you didn't expect to like so much?
• When you were younger, what did you think love would feel like, and how close is this?
• Where would you want to spend a big anniversary with me?
• What's the most romantic ordinary moment we've had?
• What's something about me you fell for slowly?
• What tradition would you like the two of us to start?
• When I'm away, what do you miss first?
• When have you felt most chosen by me?
• What small romantic thing have you wanted to ask me for and haven't?

Questions to ask your girlfriend about your relationship

Also level three. These are the questions couples tend to save for when something has gone wrong, which is a waste, because asked in a calm week they work as maintenance. They give her room to tell you what's working and what she'd change before either of those becomes a fight.

• What's something we do well together that you're proud of?
• When do you feel most like we're a team?
• What could I do this month that would make you feel more loved?
• How do you want me to show up when you've had a terrible day?
• Is there something I do in arguments that makes it harder for you to stay in the conversation?
• What do you think we're better at now than when we started?
• What do you want us to keep doing, however busy we get?
• How do you like to be asked for space, and how do you like to ask for it?
• What part of my life would you like to be more involved in?
• What would you change about how we split things at home?
• Do you feel you can tell me when something I said hurt?
• What do you want our home to feel like?
• What does a good year for us look like?
• Is there a conversation we keep postponing?
• What do you want us to be doing together in five years that we aren't doing now?

Level four: deep questions to ask your girlfriend

The deepest level asks about fear, loss, shame, and the private beliefs a person carries about themselves. They need an evening with nowhere else to be, and a willingness to sit through a pause without filling it. Ask one, maybe two, and stop there; three deep questions in a row starts to feel like an interview. If she answers something hard, thank her before you respond to the content. For a wider set at this level, deep questions for couples is sorted by topic, and vulnerable questions to ask your partner builds up to this depth gradually.

• What have you never fully forgiven yourself for?
• When do you feel most alone, even with people around?
• What did you need as a child that you didn't get enough of?
• What fear about the future do you rarely say out loud?
• Which of your parents' patterns do you catch in yourself?
• What belief about yourself are you trying to unlearn?
• When did you last cry, and what was it about?
• What loss still shapes you?
• What do you wish people understood about you without you having to explain it?
• Which version of yourself are you proudest of becoming?
• What does it look like when you're struggling and hiding it?
• What makes you feel safe with someone?
• What dream have you given up on, and do you miss it?
• How has your relationship with your body changed over the years?
• What do you pretend not to care about?
• When do you feel like you're performing instead of being yourself?
• Is there something you're afraid I'd think less of you for?
• What does a meaningful life look like to you?
• What hard thing did you get through that you don't get enough credit for?
• What do you hope never changes about you?
• What has loving someone taught you about yourself?
• What question are you scared I'll ask you someday?

How to use these without it feeling like a quiz

Pick one question, maybe two, and let the answer take as long as it takes. The follow-up matters more than the question: "what made you think of that?" or "what was that like?" gets you further than moving on to the next item on the list. If she gives a short answer, that's often a sign the question was at the wrong depth for the moment, so step back a level instead of pushing.

Timing changes what a question can do. Light questions travel well over text and fill a car ride. Romantic and relationship questions need eye contact and a bit of privacy. Deep questions belong to a slow evening when neither of you has to be anywhere, and they rarely go well after an argument, when questions for after a fight are the better tool. It also helps to tell her what you're doing. "I found a list of questions, want to try a few?" lets her in on it, and she'll probably want to ask you some back.

If you're also looking for questions for a boyfriend, questions to ask your boyfriend follows a similar structure with a different set of questions.

One question a day, deeper over time

A list works for one good evening. The harder part is still asking real questions a year from now, when the default conversation has become logistics. Aperi sends the two of you one question a day, chosen from what you've both enjoyed answering before. You each write your answer separately, and your partner can't read yours until they've written theirs, so neither answer is shaped by the other. The questions start in the light and curious levels and move deeper as your answers show you're comfortable there, which is the same progression this list follows, spread across weeks instead of one night.

FAQ

What are good questions to ask your girlfriend? Good questions match the mood you're both in. For a light moment, try something cute like "which of my texts have you screenshotted?" or something funny like "what would you name a boat if we bought one we couldn't afford?" For a quieter evening, romantic questions such as "when did you first think this might last?" work well. The best question is specific to her and to your history, and it's one you're willing to answer yourself.

What are deep questions to ask your girlfriend? Deep questions ask about fear and loss and about how she sees herself: "what belief about yourself are you trying to unlearn?", "what did you need as a child that you didn't get enough of?", or "what do you wish people understood about you without you having to explain it?" Ask them when there's time and privacy, answer them yourself, and don't rush to fill the silence after.

What should I ask my girlfriend after an argument? Wait until you're both calm, which usually takes at least twenty minutes and sometimes a night's sleep. Then ask questions that aim at understanding instead of winning: "what did I say that hurt you most?", "what were you trying to tell me underneath the frustration?", and "what do you need from me right now?" The questions to ask after an argument are arranged in the order that repair tends to happen.

How do I get my girlfriend to open up more? Start at a lighter level than you think you need, answer your own questions first, and react to what she tells you with interest instead of advice. People open up when they've seen that it's safe, so a few easy conversations that go well do more than one big deep one. If she passes on a question, accept it without sulking and come back to the topic another day from a gentler angle.